( This was written about old experiences. Since then I have been able to help myself and gain control of something that was taking a hold of me. )
On a serious note.

It’s evident that life is uncontrollable. The many downfalls and depression get the best of us. And in life what people want the most is to be loved and accepted. To live a comfortable and accomplished life as well as ascertain a certain level of control. In events, moments. We would control space and time given the chance.

Unfortunately nothing works that way. Life beats us and breaks us down to a pool of anxiety and self-doubt. For some more than others. And when coping mechanisms aren’t readily available, or you were never taught or just completely unsure on how to. Finding a way out is always hard. We live stuck in ourselves. Aggravating our own consciousness to the point of insanity

And what is a person to do if they have no outlet for self-expression, no one to vent and lean on. Or maybe that others just completely disregard your “so-called issues” Insensitively tell you to “get over it” Because It’s the honest to god truth that we live in a society of know it all’s, misunderstanding and miss-interpretations.

It’s no wonder people feel cast aside. And decide to ease their pain in creatively dark ways. The many ways one uses to gain the tiniest shred of control. Nobody listens. Why don’t they listen?

Self-harm can come in many forms. I think people only think of the obvious ones. The release of endorphin’s through physical mutilation or harm.

Which is the most common and frowned upon or judged by society. And kept the most in secret. Over the years I’ve met a lot of amazing people to find out this was the case. And guess what. Not a single person ever stopped to listen. Just ridiculed and criticized.

It’s something that is much more common than the average person believes. Then again, the average person probably doesn’t think this way.

So what about all the other ways of self-harm that are more evident and visible yet people are blind to. Such as the torture of isolation. Keeping yourself away from friends, family. Society in general. Just because you know that people have a hard time accepting or letting you be yourself. Being individual at times means you’re a source for entertainment and highly inflated ego’s. So people isolate themselves.

Watching people live their lives, days go by, at home pacing, bored. Losing themselves in whatever they can find. Just to try to get rid of the continuous sense of not belonging. Thinking its protecting their nature. But really it’s just imprinting a deeper sadness on their soul. I may be crazy. But to me that’s self harm as well.

Which brings me to my next point. My unorthodox way of self-harm/addiction.

“Energy drinks” Yes this may be weird and not even sound like an issue at all. But It’s a big one.

Way more than just a bad habit. It’s something that is uncontrollable and has followed me for many years. Most people would ask, what’s wrong with it. They’re just like supercharged coffees. As of we don’t live in the information age. It is more than well-known that not only are these drinks extremely bad for you as well as deteriorate your house. But can also cause a string of life-long problems.
Such as diabetes for starters, arrhythmia, to the more serious “heart attacks” And not to mention how bad it is for your adrenal glands and nervous system. Obviously in copious amounts consumed on a regular basis. Even copious doesn’t seem like the right word for it. It still seems like an odd problem to have. And I’ve been young and wild. I’ve experimented with things but nothing ever attracted me or consumed me as much as this has. And I just wrote the off as a one time thing. Never thought about or even tried these substances again. But energy drinks? They turn my diagnosed moderate to severe ADHD brains into a hyper, shaky mess.

It started when I had my first one at sixteen. Monster, the green one of course was my vice. It was a daily thing. I would have like one or two for the longest time. And that just escalate.
Three to Four a day. and at that point I was going through a really rough death in the family. I was also simply just young and depression. I am assuming it was, still is clinical depression because. Going through random periods of ups and downs. Of course I haven’t seen a doctor about it. I haven’t seen one in years. Happy for a certain amount of time, then sad, lost and confused just as equally.

So I kept on feeding this demon, I still keep on feeding it.

It’s to the point where I actually have to admit it’s a problem. It’s getting out of hand.
And as I write this. Two are sitting here on my desk as I already downed a few, just to prove a point.

Whenever friends or family tell me to slow down because they’re concerned. I kind of just brush them off. I don’t bother listening. Look at that. I can’t even take my own advice. The hypocrisy is ironic. I will drink them at every chance I get. I find some way to work them into my budget. I will drink them in secret and stash an abundance of cans in my drawers just so I don’t have to hear it from anyone.

And to be honest. After all the numerous articles and research I’ve done. knowing the amount of people who die every year all over a stupid drink. It still doesn’t phase me. Like I don’t really care.I really don’t. And I wish I can say for the most part that I did. I don’t know why. I have tried to quit so many times. And in those times of withdrawals I realize the monster I am. Livid and impatient. I want to tear apart the world.

On top of everything. this has been a really trying year. With a hell of a lot more stress than I’m use to. So I turn to the one vice and comfort I know. Even as I feel my health quality decline. I am only twenty-six. I shouldn’t be this tired. Life is just exhausting. Or maybe I just don’t know how to cope with it all. I never have, I never learned.

And even now, my breath is shortened. My heart is hammering. I mind as well slap myself in the face for even writing this. But I guess I need to get this out. There’s random days where I have really odd chest pains, weird pulling sensations in my heart. Random shortness of breath. Just overall weird sensations. I most likely have diabetes and It’s like I just don’t care. Not as much as I should anyway.

Most people would be freaking out at this point. I just keep doing this to myself. And I don’t know why. Or how to stop for that matter. I don’t even remember when I stopped caring about myself or let myself go this much.

This is all I can control.
This is my self-harm.

Silenced poet.

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